I guess we all have, at least once, struggled with people around us. We have been deceived because we were convinced that the shared relationship involved certain aspects or ingredients, and suddenly realized it was not the way we thought. So, we get deceived sometimes by the person, considering that he/she should not have behaved in a certain way, and at some point, I guess we can feel betrayed. But did we really agree on something, on terms and conditions, or did we just assume it was like that and expected the other person would also feel, think, and live the situation the exact same way?

We often see the representation of a couple’s relationship as two superimposed circles, illustrating the shared space, time, things, values, and projections, as two individuals blend into one.

And actually, I feel uncomfortable with this representation. I think it simply conveys the idea of absorption of the two entities and individuals. The closer the centers of each circle become, the less the involved parts retain their individuality. Yet, at the same time, I feel we are often told that the couple’s goal is to be very close.

I believe that this vision and visualization lead us to make mistakes. We start to label the relationship, giving it a name and assuming that by naming it, there is a certain role that the other person should fulfill.

We then expect friends to behave in a certain way, we expect parents or children to think and act in a certain way, and it is the same for a partner. And since we assume it, we normally don’t even question it. We naively think that the other person’s vision is exactly the same as ours because we call the relationship by the exact same name. And I truly think that’s a mistake we often learn the hard way. Sometimes we don’t even learn it; we just feel the situation and ask, “How could he/she have done that to me?” or “If he/she was really what he/she pretends to be—my friend, my partner, a good sibling—he/she should have said that or done this…”

So, we tend to forget that the person involved in the relationship is not us and will have different thoughts, actions, reactions, feelings, and constructions. We often forget that. We can’t just appreciate the person and then expect the person to behave exactly the way that works for us. So, we just go tacit; we get into relationships through tacit agreements and assumptions. Hence, when we don’t receive the treatment we were expecting, it becomes a total disaster and it hurts.

I have changed my way of seeing relationships into another scheme:

Since I have changed my perception of relationships and adopted a different framework, I have had meaningful conversations to agree on what to bring, what to contribute to the relationship. This includes discussions on what to remove during certain moments, as a relationship is dynamic. These conversations have allowed me to experience fewer struggles, be more conscious, and identify what is important and effective for me, while also recognizing my limits. This shift has helped me empathize with the person in front of me, and I believe it has improved my understanding of their desires, enabling me to consider them more effectively.

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Be You Emotion Coach